My feelings about the late queen are complicated. They’re vaguely tranquil with an admixture of fatigue. I struggle to think of anyone who’s made a similar impression on me, and only a few are close.
One was Frida, a cashier at the cafeteria of a place where I once worked. She took our money with robotic speed. No matter that her queue was the longest; it was always served fastest. As her hands flew, she nevertheless took time for a “How are you today?” I always replied with something like, “Two ticks from suicidal.” She would invariably break stride and commiserate until I showed my readiness to move on. She loved an opportunity for small talk, and it was always good-hearted small talk.
Queen Betsy also had a good heart, or so I believe. She cared deeply about her family, especially if they were blood relatives. She loved animals. If you were a dog or a horse, you were treated with special regard. She was very engaging with titled people and heads of state. I can’t recall a single misstep, even with impossible boors like Charles de Gaulle, Margaret Thatcher, Boris Johnson, and Donald Trump. But she assiduously avoided any conversation that touched on policy and never revealed a point of view on any issue of consequence. Her raison d’etre was to preserve the notion that the Royal Family was the rock upon which the greatness and goodness of British civilization rested.
Given all that, let’s fantasize by appropriating a well-worn Hollywood concept …. Suppose, as the result of some cosmic burp, Frida and Betsy undergo a personality swap. At the moment of Betsy’s coronation, Frida’s personality inhabits Betsy’s body and Betsy’s personality inhabits Frida’s body. Further suppose that both choose not to scream maniacally but rather to play the cards fate had dealt. How would the flow of history be affected? My view is that the swap would scarcely cause a ripple. Frida would be genial with everyone and never think to intrude on the affairs of state. After all, Buckingham Palace is not a cafeteria. Her obituaries, remarkably, would commend her as a “beloved leader” and “the symbol of an era.” Betsy would likewise endear herself to the cafeteria crowd and her co-workers. The latter would urge her to seek a leadership spot in the union, but she would demur. She would eventually retire with a nice pension.
I see only a few historical differences. Frida would never sabotage her sister’s engagement to Peter Townsend, her first love. She would use an uncharacteristically sharp tone with Mrs. Thatcher on her bungling of the ruinous Coal Workers’ Strike of 1984. She and Diana would be much closer, and she would be horrified by her fate. She would publicly be moved to tears.
It’s impossible to overlook the obvious: Betsy was a very foolish person. A British monarch is on a fool’s errand if she (or he) chooses self-censorship, a monkish existence, choreographed outings, and fluff speeches in the name of steering a steady course. Elements of the British press, especially the paparazzi, are grotesque in their pursuit of celebrities. They will invariably succeed in creating controversy and driving their victims to distraction. Why? Because the members of the Royal Family are human! There will always be some who have royal sticks up their royal asses. Some will have an irremediable case of lechery. Some will have an irrepressible streak of bigotry and dirty-mindedness. Some will simply be scoundrels. The moral for British monarchs is simple but never learned: You might as well say what you think; your royal garments will be soiled in any case.
Charles is known to hold a few strong opinions. As king, will he stifle them, or will he become 3-dimensional? The latter, I hope. Of course, he might become a 3-dimensional jackass, but even that would be an improvement. At least the UK would have a full person to deal with.
We are now at the most critical moment of Charles’ reign. He needs wise counsel, and people from every corner of the globe should feel free to offer it. No matter if the counselor is an American and lives in dumbass California. No matter if he is casting a wary eye at senility. I have precious advice, and I am morally obliged to deliver it. So listen up, Charles!
Return the valuables stolen by the empire of your forebears. Certainly, Charles, you know all about the Elgin Marbles. They are the sculptures and other marble adornments that Lord Elgin took from the Parthenon and other sacred buildings over 200 years ago, when Greece was under the thumb of the Ottoman Empire. Elgin had permission from the Sultan of Turkey to remove stones bearing “inscriptions and figures” from excavation sites on the Acropolis. Elgin interpreted this small courtesy as a license to steal from standing structures. The Marbles reside in the British Museum. Give them back to Greece.
The Koh-i-Noor (“Mountain of Light”) is one of the largest cut diamonds in the world, weighing over 105 carats. As you know, it is the focal point of your grandmother’s crown. It was mined six to eight hundred years ago and has passed through many hands. When the British East India Company annexed the Punjab 180 years ago, it was given to your great-great-great grandmother by treaty! A petition to return the gem to India is now circulating in Britain’s social media. Don’t wait for the demand to get louder. Return it now.
Dissolve the Commonwealth. It’s a vestigial empire, an embarrassment. It has no purpose other than to serve vanity. You have the United Nations to work with. If you want to negotiate treaties, you have ministers and diplomats. Use them.
Return to the European Union. It’s known that your mother disagreed with leaving the EU. Predictably, she made no public comment, and a cowardly Parliament passed off the decision in a referendum. The result will be catastrophic for the people of the UK and their progeny. You say you are dedicated to serving them. If you’re sincere, speak up.
Redefine your job. Essentially, your job is to cheer English men and women by reminding them of their grand history. Anyone with intelligence and talent should find this role humiliating. Wouldn’t you rather actively help them toward a grand future?
If you’re interested in more than a symbolic existence, consider what the Germans have done. They’ve created the office of President, who rules the country alongside the Chancellor, the equivalent of your Prime Minister. The duties of German Presidents aren’t trivial. They represent Germany at home and abroad by making public appearances at state, social, and cultural events. They appoint and dismiss federal judges, federal civil servants, and military officers. They have the power to pardon and award state honors. They even have the power to veto proposed laws if they can show how they violate the Basic Law of Germany.
The Presidency is not a hereditary job, so you’d have to lay out a transition plan from a royal president to an elected one. One day, the monarchy will go away. Be the monarch with the courage and foresight to make the leap!
Will Charles listen to any of my advice? I have no idea, but I’ll be keeping a scorecard.
The Scratching Post 