Thank you

In 15 more days, it will be Thanksgiving, but I can’t wait that long to give thanks to the tens of millions of fellow Americans who voted for Donald J. Trump. My heart and gut are so burdened with emotion that I must express my gratitude now.

A simple thank-you will not suffice. Each blessing must be recognized separately.

Thank you, dear countrymen, for giving us a leader who appalls the whole world (with the important exception of Russia).

Thank you for the trade wars to come and the setback to international cooperation.

Thank you for giving hope to the coal workers of America, who will once again dig tons of pollutants out of the ground.

Thank you—especially to Oklahomans—who assured frackers they can destabilize the Midwest with impunity.

Thank you—especially to those on the Gulf Coast and in our sweltering cities—for putting the Paris climate accords in jeopardy. My grandchildren send their thanks as well.

Thank you for ringing the death knell for Obamacare and ensuring its replacement by something laughably inadequate. The newly uninsured will certainly add their thanks.

Thank you for accepting a more impoverished life so that the 1% can grow even wealthier.

Thank you for bravely facing a certain recession that will throw many of you back into unemployment.

Thank you for ruining the Supreme Court for a generation.

Thank you for ensuring no abatement in gun violence.

Thank you for giving no hope to people whose lives mean little to police officers everywhere.

Thank you for ignoring the callous mistreatment of women.

Thank you for making life scarier for American Muslims and immigrants from Mexico and Latin America. We know how to deal with their anger and frustration.

Thank you for keeping desperate refugees from finding a place among us.

Thank you on behalf of all the homophobes among us. We can proceed to abolish gay marriage and all other forms of sexual deviancy.

Thank you for reaffirming that we are a Christian nation and will mince no words about it.

Thank you for giving us a leader whose virtues will inspire us and serve as a model for our children.

Thank you for serenely accepting the coarsening of our lives.

Thank you for blotting our history with an ugly, indelible stain.

And most of all, thank you for your foul, steadfast ignorance.

There… sometimes vomiting is the only relief available.

Trickle, trickle

Thanksgiving, one of our most beloved national holidays and one of the two pillars of the Holiday Season, is a sad thing. It’s a feast day, but an impoverished one. It lacks the most important quality of feast days: symbolism. Consider a Passover seder for the sake of comparison. Every part of it is symbolic. Here’s a sample of the symbolism you’ll find on a Passover table:

• Roasted lamb, a reminder of the lamb sacrificed the night the ancient Jews left their bondage in Egypt.

• A bitter herb, commonly horseradish, to recall the bitterness of slavery.

• Charoset, a mixture of apples, nuts, wine, and cinnamon that represents the mortar used to make bricks.

• Matzo, unleavened bread that signifies the hasty exodus from Egypt. No time was allowed for the bread dough to rise.

• Wine (or grape juice). Four small glasses are drunk, each representing a letter in the unspeakable name of God.

That is a proper feast. You not only fill your belly but also partake of a cultural experience. You come away with an affirmation of who you are. No such thing happens at a Thanksgiving dinner. (The impression you’re supposed to take away is that you live in a land of plenty and share in its bounty. As we will see shortly, this is an illusion.)

The task, then, is to infuse Thanksgiving with symbolism that reflects the American experience. To succeed in this, most of the traditional Thanksgiving dishes—all but two—must be discarded, and everything served must take on a symbolic meaning. This is what I propose for the new Thanksgiving table:

• Pigs in a blanket, to represent the scum of the Occupy Movement—the “takers”—who huddled in streets and buildings for months, making demands and obstructing daily business. Ideally, the “pigs” should be wrapped in a pancake and covered with…

• Maple syrup, which represents the drippings that trickle down from the wealthy and make existence sustainable for the rest of us. (This is what passes for the “bounty” we share.)

• Stuffing (without the bird), to denote the preposterous girth of most adult Americans. Given our racial and ethnic diversity, this is the only physical characteristic that uniquely identifies us to the rest of the world.

• Corn on the cob, which honors America’s quintessential cash crop and brings to mind our country’s dithering energy policy. Far more corn is used for ethanol—29% at last estimate—than for any other purpose, and by law we must continue to blend it with transportation fuels until 2022. Slather on the butter and go at it, especially if you’re a corn farmer. The use of corn holders is discouraged.

• Cranberry sauce, as an alternative topping for the “pigs.” The fact that cranberries grow in bogs reminds us that our federal government is nothing more than a immense bog where good ideas go to die.

• Huckleberry pie, in lieu of the traditional pumpkin pie, which has no symbolic value. The Urban Dictionary notes that a “huckleberry” is a small, unimportant person. Plainly, we are a nation of huckleberries. We are unworthy in so many ways. Our children don’t deserve the leg up that an early childhood education can afford, nor do they deserve a college education without the burden of debt. We don’t deserve an indefinitely extended safety net when economic hardship strikes. We don’t deserve protection from medical bills that can take away our savings and our homes. If we don’t have what it takes to be well off, we deserve whatever hardships life holds for us. To think otherwise is a perversion of what our country stands for.

• Mineral water, a diet drink, or black coffee without sugar. Yes, this requirement makes no sense, given the fatty foods on the table, but that’s the point. It reminds us that our consumption habits are irrational, as is so much of our national life. We love nature but have life styles that pollute it. We abhor violence but allow people to own horrific weapons with no effective regulation. We thrive on competition but support an education system that makes us uncompetitive. We believe in a fair shake for everyone but vote for representatives who create huge advantages for the wealthy.

There you have it. A feast remade, and fraught with symbols that remind us of who we are. Give it a try this year. And when the celebration is over and your guests take their leave, be sure to call out after them, “Happy Drippings!”