If I ruled the world

Don’t take the title of this post seriously. It’s a preposterous notion and would certainly be a catastrophe for me, if not for the entire world. It’s merely the title of a verbal party game I invented last week.

Unlike “Truth or Dare,” you won’t experience the discomfort of being caught between a rock and a hard place. When your turn comes, you simply reveal how you would (or wouldn’t) use dictatorial power. If you decline to play, the only penalty is being labeled a party pooper.

The game is also perfect for a first date. If I were still dating, it would help me decide whether there’d be a second date. If my date didn’t want me to know her better, why go on?

It’s possible, maybe likely, that players will give “beauty pageant” accounts of themselves. For example: “If I ruled the world, there would be no war or hate. People would greet each other cordially and smile. We’d realize that what unites us is far more than what separates us. We’d love our children unconditionally because they are the future of humankind.” It may seem that such speakers frustrate the purpose of the game, but I think the opposite is true. They actually say a great deal about themselves.

At this point, it might be helpful to give my response, should I ever be asked to play. Hopefully, that will convey how specificity leads to more enjoyable and informative results.

If I ruled the world:

• “Republican political ideology” would be given a medical name and added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Treatment would be fully covered by worldwide Medicare for All.
  
• An International Historical Society would be founded. In an annual televised ceremony, it would induct infamous figures, living and dead, into the Hall of Human Garbage. Induction of living figures would mean the loss of any pensions, allowances, and honors. Humanity must have its villains as well as its heroes.
  
• Ted Cruz would be sent to a science station at the South Pole to work as a janitor.
  
• The use of political exile and public shaming would again be in vogue.
  
• Billions would be spent annually to further the development of a 3D printer that prints food.
  
• Trillions would be spent annually on the deployment of molten salt reactors.
  
• A universal basic income would be instituted.
  
• Billionaires would pay a wealth tax; religious institutions would pay a property tax.
  
• Daylight Saving Time, titles of nobility, pledges of allegiance, and circumcision would be abolished.
  
• Creationism could be taught in schools but only as a discredited delusion.
  
• Women, being more intelligent than men, would occupy the most consequential government positions.
  
• The practice of haute couture would become a criminal offense.
  
• Hamburgers would no longer contain beef; sausages would no longer contain pork.
  
• All green vegetables would taste like Gummy Bears. 
  
• All pop music would be accompanied by this sound track.
  
• All superhero movies would come with this sound track.
  
• Olympic athletes would represent only themselves. No national anthem would be played at medal ceremonies — just this song (without air-siren accompaniment).
  
• Language Arts classes in public schools would include lessons on profanity.
  
• The Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts would award merit badges for swearing artfully.
  
• Anya Taylor-Joy would reprise her role as Beth Harmon in a series titled “Beth’s Chess Adventures.”
  
• Thoroughbred horse racing would become the international pastime.
  
• Government credits would be sent to everyone monthly for the purchase of ice cream.

I see now that this recitation has served a second purpose. After 7+ years of blogging, I’ve finally introduced myself properly to my readers!