Where to find the best men’s names

I need to make something clear at the outset: I’m a sports fan only in the most tepid sense of the term. I’ll watch snatches of the Olympics, an occasional baseball or basketball championship game, and an interesting Wimbledon matchup. I’m more attentive to pro football. I’ll tune in to several of the playoff games, and I regard watching the Super Bowl as a cultural obligation.

Why do I favor top-tier pro football? Well, I can’t deny it—the action can be thrilling. But I have another reason you will no doubt find odd. I delight in the names of the players. Some of them are so original, ironic, or euphonious that I’m charmed every time I hear them called out.

I wasn’t aware I had this funny bone until 1984, when Louis Lipps, a wide receiver, was drafted by the Steelers. They discovered he was especially threatening as a punt returner. In his first year, he set an NFL record for return yardage by a rookie. (At work, a note appeared on the bulletin board: “Louis Lipps sinks ships.”) His name fascinated me endlessly.

Since then, I’ve become a student of NFL names, and I’ve tried to understand why they have a near monopoly on the best men’s names. My guess is the NFL is a pure meritocracy, and therefore the best melting pot going for professional men. Certainly, you won’t find as many gems among America’s lawyers or plumbers.

In studying the names, I can make out four distinct kinds: manly, apropos, vengeful, and diverting. The “manly” category is for names that have a macho connotation for me. They suggest a man’s man. “Apropos” is for names that communicate the aggressiveness and violence of the game. “Vengeful” is my favorite. It’s for names that must have provoked horrible teasing on the playground. Any boy saddled with such a name probably swore he’d get even with the world for sticking him with it. “Diverting” is a miscellaneous category. It’s for names that amuse me for a variety of reasons. Here are my lists…

Manly names

Ray Guy
A name that bespeaks manhood.

Joe Montana
Say it and bam, you’re a cowboy in Big Sky Country.

Joe Namath
There’s something outsized—mammoth—about “Namath.”

Roger Staubach
A name befitting a general or admiral. No accident he quarterbacked at the U.S. Naval Academy.

Johnny Unitas
Perfect for a star-spangled hero.

Apropos Names

Larry Csonka
The sound he made when he plowed into the defensive line.

Richard Dent
What he routinely did to quarterbacks.

Antone Exum
Sometimes he’ll ex ‘em; sometimes he’ll obliterate ‘em.

Whitney Mercilus
A linebacker without pity.

Bronko Nagurski
Ran over defenders like a wild horse.

Darius Slay
Wide receivers want no part of him.

Bart Starr
Led the Packers to victories in Super Bowls I and II, and covered himself in glory.

Vengeful Names

Dick Butkus
The pronunciation sounds very much like “butt kiss.”

Jadeveon Clowney
But he’s dead serious on the field.

Blake Countess
Shows no delicacy or refinement in his manner of play.

Colby Fleener
Perhaps the nerdiest name in football.

Todd Gurley
Try to tackle him, and you’ll think differently.

Richie Incognito
In the NFL, he is someone!

Damien Mama
An offensive guard who doesn’t play anything like yo’ mama.

Warren Sapp
Played like he was born angry.

Wendell Smallwood
Don’t question the size of his manhood.

Ryan Succop
Understands completely what Dick Butkus went through.

Diverting Names

Tyson Alualu
An echo from the Islands.

Prince Amukamara
Royal in name only.

Leger Douzable
Whatever the task, he can handle it.

Devin Funchess
Yes, I think so too.

Cooper Kupp
Likes to dine at the Kopper Kettle Cafe.

Louis Lipps
To blame for all this.

Barkevious Mingo
Really, I didn’t make him up.

Mick Tingelhoff
Must be a mixed breed, like a labradoodle.

Y.A. Tittle
In full, Yelberton Abraham Tittle Jr. (Yes, Junior!)

Buster Skrine
Like fingernails on a blackboard.

Frank Spiller
Oh no—he’s a running back!

Philip Supernaw
I’d love to watch this guy eat.

Frank Zombo
Just creepy.

You may ask, Where would I look for the best women’s names? Would it also be in sports? That was my thought.

I had to dismiss women’s tennis and golf right away. Something rough and tumble is more likely to attract women from all classes. Suddenly, an inspiration came—roller derby! I went online and found the site for the Silicon Valley Roller Girls, which included a page with the players’ names.

Great was my disappointment as I read them. There was nothing genuine to be found. The players had all taken fake names to emphasize how thrilling and dangerous they were—names like Georgia O’Grief, GoldieKnocks, Kim Karbashyain, Nora Drenalynn, and Patty Hearse. In this sport, women must resort to the farcical to sell tickets. I trust women’s basketball and soccer are different.

Consolidation

Every American should be concerned about any loss of productivity in our labor force. We are, after all, living in the most economically competitive world in history. The competitive threats from Asia and the European Union are daunting, not to mention the menace of the BRIC nations. Many recommendations to improve our productivity have come forth, but no one has yet addressed an obvious problem: holiday creep. I refer to our deplorable inclination to commemorate all our notable people, events, movements, and cultural symbols with a national holiday, some of which last two days! I’d like some economist to calculate the annual hit we take to our GNP because of these labor interruptions. It’s got to be considerable.

The cure for holiday creep is consolidation. Instead to adding new holidays, let’s fold up a bunch of them into one monster holiday! Specifically, I propose that we consolidate Martin Luther King Day, President’s Day, Memorial Day, The Fourth of July, Labor Day, and Thanksgiving into a single day. Further, I propose that this day be Super Bowl Sunday! That gives us the bonus of having the mega-holiday occur on a Sunday.

The Super Bowl spectacle has everything that all these separate holidays have. Jets fly overhead. Flags fly on the field. Bands play. The Star-Spangled Banner is sung with flamboyant flourishes. Racially and ethnically diverse gladiators use teamwork to achieve victory. The masses go wild in the stands. Pop culture is lavishly celebrated at half time. Madison Avenue proudly airs its best commercials. Testosterone and beer drinking are honored. The nation’s elite are featured in their opulent boxes. Disneyland gets a callout. Victory is celebrated in the winner’s locker room: hulking men douse each other in champagne; a trophy and commemorative jewelry are awarded. And fittingly, the heroes are given due recognition with a Presidential Phone Call. It doesn’t get any better than this!

Write to your representative today. Let’s get this done for the good of America!