Thanksgiving, one of our most beloved national holidays and one of the two pillars of the Holiday Season, is a sad thing. It’s a feast day, but an impoverished one. It lacks the most important quality of feast days: symbolism. Consider a Passover seder for the sake of comparison. Every part of it is symbolic. Here’s a sample of the symbolism you’ll find on a Passover table:
- Roasted lamb, a reminder of the lamb sacrificed the night the ancient Jews left their bondage in Egypt.
- A bitter herb, commonly horseradish, to recall the bitterness of slavery.
- Charoset, a mixture of apples, nuts, wine, and cinnamon that represents the mortar used to make bricks.
- Matzo, unleavened bread that signifies the hasty exodus from Egypt. No time was allowed for the bread dough to rise.
- Wine (or grape juice). Four small glasses are drunk, each representing a letter in the unspeakable name of God.
That is a proper feast. You not only fill your belly but also partake of a cultural experience. You come away with an affirmation of who you are. No such thing happens at a Thanksgiving dinner. (The impression you’re supposed to take away is that you live in a land of plenty and share in its bounty. As we will see shortly, this is an illusion.)
The task, then, is to infuse Thanksgiving with symbolism that reflects the American experience. To succeed in this, most of the traditional Thanksgiving dishes—all but two—must be discarded, and everything served must take on a symbolic meaning. This is what I propose for the new Thanksgiving table:
- Pigs in a blanket, to represent the scum of the Occupy Movement—the “takers”—who huddled in streets and buildings for months, making demands and obstructing daily business. Ideally, the “pigs” should be wrapped in a pancake and covered with…
- Maple syrup, which represents the drippings that trickle down from the wealthy and make existence sustainable for the rest of us. (This is what passes for the “bounty” we share.)
- Stuffing (without the bird), to denote the preposterous girth of most adult Americans. Given our racial and ethnic diversity, this is the only physical characteristic that uniquely identifies us to the rest of the world.
- Corn on the cob, which honors America’s quintessential cash crop and brings to mind our country’s dithering energy policy. Far more corn is used for ethanol—29% at last estimate—than for any other purpose, and by law we must continue to blend it with transportation fuels until 2022. Slather on the butter and go at it, especially if you’re a corn farmer. The use of corn holders is discouraged.
- Cranberry sauce, as an alternative topping for the “pigs.” The fact that cranberries grow in bogs reminds us that our federal government is nothing more than a immense bog where good ideas go to die.
- Huckleberry pie, in lieu of the traditional pumpkin pie, which has no symbolic value. The Urban Dictionary notes that a “huckleberry” is a small, unimportant person. Plainly, we are a nation of huckleberries. We are unworthy in so many ways. Our children don’t deserve the leg up that an early childhood education can afford, nor do they deserve a college education without the burden of debt. We don’t deserve an indefinitely extended safety net when economic hardship strikes. We don’t deserve protection from medical bills that can take away our savings and our homes. If we don’t have what it takes to be well off, we deserve whatever hardships life holds for us. To think otherwise is a perversion of what our country stands for.
- Mineral water, a diet drink, or black coffee without sugar. Yes, this requirement makes no sense, given the fatty foods on the table, but that’s the point. It reminds us that our consumption habits are irrational, as is so much of our national life. We love nature but have life styles that pollute it. We abhor violence but allow people to own horrific weapons with no effective regulation. We thrive on competition but support an education system that makes us uncompetitive. We believe in a fair shake for everyone but vote for representatives who create huge advantages for the wealthy.
There you have it. A feast remade, and fraught with symbols that remind us of who we are. Give it a try this year. And when the celebration is over and your guests take their leave, be sure to call out after them, “Happy Drippings!”
The Scratching Post 