I was elated the night of the midterm elections. The Democrats got a combative foot in the door! My tongue reached for appropriate cheers, something to express my joy and relief, and I knew at once that I was poorly equipped for the task.
At such moments, one pulls up nothing but lame stuff — “Thank God!” or “Praise the Lord!“ or “Bless you, Jesus!” or other variations of religious programming. In my frustration, I wanted to cry out, “Yes, by Zeus!” But that’s the same thing, no?
There are neo-religionists who, like me, would like to avoid invoking the conventional gods. So what do they say? Flaky stuff like “Bless the Universe!” or “Thank you, Cosmic Spirit!” The universe is gas and dust and a limitless quantum vacuum. It has no affections or affinities. We are on our own, with our values and our commitment or indifference to them.
Therefore, I appeal to you: Let’s now invoke human beings! Let’s remember the best of us in our exclamations of joy. My favorite way of doing this is to pair the shout “Hail” with the name of a historic hero or heroine. I’m partial to names that begin with H — they lend alliterative appeal — and names that are dactylic feet (three syllables, with an emphasis on the first). Last Tuesday, I wish I’d thought of “Hail Hamilton!” or “Hail Madison!” “Washington,” “Benjamin,” and “Jefferson” would have also served well. (I’ll be the first to agree that my aesthetics don’t always produce the best results. For instance, I like “Hail Tubman!” much more than “Hail Harriet!”)
If a medical breakthrough makes news, I’d recommend “Hail Hippocrates!” or “Hail Hygieia!” (Yeah, she’s a goddess, but dammit, her name’s aesthetically perfect.) If a scientific breakthrough fires our imagination, I’d go with “Hail Heisenberg!” “Hail Hubble!”, “Hail Higgs!”, and “Hale Bopp!” get honorable mentions. When sports feats dazzle us, I’d try “Hail Tiger!”, “Hail Federer!”, or “Hail Montana!” (No, not “Hail Mary!”)
Another solution — almost as good — is to call out the name of a literary or cultural icon, even if it’s a pop cultural icon. For example, both “By Beowulf!” and “By Batman!” are excellent. I’m also drawn to “By Gilgamesh!” and “By Hercules!”, both dactyls.
So how about it? Can we please start putting humanity into our joyous outcries?
The Scratching Post 